What I wanted in my early 20s is not what I want now and that’s okay. Change is the only constant thing in life.
At 27, I’ve found myself questioning the goals I had set for myself at a younger age; reviewing desires I thought were my heart’s and coming to find that in most cases it was more of society’s expectations. When I finished my masters at 21 and decided I wanted to move back to Nigeria, my sister had all but begged me to consider staying back in London, at least to probably get my citizenship before moving back. However, I had my eyes set on what looked like “greener grass” from where I was standing. If only I knew how wrong I was…
My decision at the time had been largely influenced by what I saw my friends who had finished a year before me posting on Instagram. I thought moving home was the sure way to kick start my career and eventually meet the love of my life so I could get married at 25. The noble dreams of a young naive child. So I bundled my belongings and moved back home without so much as casting a Lot’s wife glance. It started out well till I realized that not all that glitters is gold, sometimes it’s just gold plated.
To an average Nigerian, it may look like I’m living the Nigeria dream. I’ve been working for 4+ years, I live by myself, drive my own car, can afford annual summers abroad and luxury items, bills paid and not living in debt. I may not be married and have a kid, which are the missing ingredients in the female version of the “Nigerian dream” but I have a good 80% of it, therefore to complain would render me an ingrate. However, am I really living the Nigerian dream?
When I had to move to Lagos for work, at first it was a welcomed adventure but the more I realized I was out of my comfort zone, the less I enjoyed it. I struggled because it was way too different and I was scared. I wanted so badly to move back home; to what I knew and was comfortable with. No matter how hard I fought this season, God wasn’t budging. He was pruning me and giving me an opportunity to discover myself in a new place away from family and other forms of societal pressure. As a young northern woman, this is not a luxury most people get to enjoy; to live by themselves in a different city and grow into their own; while making mistakes and learning from it. There were days when I appreciated the opportunity and of course days when I still wanted to run home. But there’s one truth I cannot deny, I have grown as a woman; emotionally and spiritually.
I have found myself reviewing the goals I set for myself especially as my 25th birthday approached and I was still very much single. I’m 27 now and I haven’t died from singleness, so why did I want to marry so badly back then? I see now that if I had ended up with the last man I dated at 24, we would have been divorced or unhappily married cause my motives were not pure and I had not attained emotional maturity. For me, marriage was a box to tick not a desire I really wanted and was prepared for. But in the three years that I’ve been single, I have truly learned to know myself, what I want and love myself in a way that has created a standard for whatever man comes into my life. I had a lot of failed dating stages and a major setback with a situationship but all it did was make me stronger. By ridding myself off society’s timeline and allowing myself grow to a place where I can genuinely be in a relationship for the right reasons, I can now let myself be involved with a man with no pressure. It’s no longer about a deadline, it’s more of if this is a genuine desire and fits in with my purpose. Whereas in the past, I viewed potentials through the lens of marriage, now I can genuinely analyse if we’re truly compatible without overlooking red flags and not being scared to walk away.
In addition, as in the last blog post, I have also come to question if motherhood is something I really want or claimed to want cause it was expected of me as a woman. And after careful consideration, I’m okay with saying that this is no longer a priority for me as I feel have less maternal instincts now that I’m older. Nonetheless, my desires may change and maybe 10 years from now or even less, I may feel like this is a journey I’m ready to embrace. Like I said, change is the only constant thing and we must learn to embrace it and not be afraid. Which brings me to my most recent shocking revelation.
Why am I still in Nigeria? As much as I am over Lagos and badly want to relocate to Abuja, I find myself asking why I’m putting myself in a box. Yes, the thought of moving to another country and starting all over is terrifying and most days when I find myself spiralling down the rabbit hole of these thoughts, I want to shelf it and stick to my comfort zone. But who loses in the end? Me. I have always admired people who moved around and got work/life experience in other countries. And one might say I got the same when I schooled and lived in England, but I was still a child and I had not yet grown into my own. I moved back purely out of fear. The fear of how hard it would be to get a good job in London and make it. Whereas in Nigeria, your connection most times is the plug, in London there are so many other factors involved. So I chickened out and moved home instead where I felt I had more of a safety net. And even when people started immigrating to Canada, back to England or America and friends brought this option up in our discussions, it was never a thought I entertained. I just thought I was comfortable here and had a “good” life so why move somewhere else and start afresh?
This lockdown has given me a lot of time to reflect and ask myself if I really want to stay locked up in this box. When I was younger and about to complete my studies, I had a romantic dream of moving to France for a year and improving my French and maybe moving to Spain for another year to learn Spanish. I’ve always loved languages and based on my degree, it’s an added skill to have. Why didn’t I do that? Why did I move back to Nigeria instead? And even if France was unrealistic, I could have done a francophone country in Africa. When my career started taking a detour from what I originally wanted to do, I fought it because in my head I had mapped out a rigid path for my life. Like with most cases, I planned and God laughed. Why was I putting myself in all these unnecessary restrictive boxes when God was probably trying to open my eyes to see that there was more to me? Now starting all over at the age of 28 doesn’t seem so scary to me. The anxious thoughts come every now and then but I have to remind myself that I have detoured so many times from what I originally wanted and I am okay. So I’m open now; to fresh starts, to trying to figure out what career path I really want to take and not restricting myself to what I studied, to living in another country, to an endless world of possibilities.
And it’s the most liberated I have ever felt in my life.
