The other day a colleague asked me what advice I would give on marriage and pre-marital counselling, considering he was about to take the plunge. I saw that message early in the morning, but it took me days to respond. Marriage is an interesting, complex, and multidimensional topic.
Having been married for 2 years and 3 months, the best advice I give is from a Ghanaian proverb I came across:
“Marriage is like a groundnut. You have to crack it to see what is inside.”
No truer words have been spoken. No matter what you hear or know of others’ marriages, until you’re in your own, you don’t really know what to expect. Marriage is not just a lesson, it’s an experience.
That said, I’m beginning to understand the “irreconcilable differences” grounds for divorce like mad. One day, as I sat reflecting, the Bible verse from Songs of Solomon 2:15 came to mind:
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love…”
Over time, we tend to take each other for granted, not intentionally, but it happens. The date nights become fewer, the sex turns routine, and the conversations grow monotonous. Marriage, like adulting, parenting, and really anything worthwhile, requires intentionality.
We’ve heard it said that marriage is hard work. And it’s not manual labor; honestly, that would be easier, no it’s deeply spiritual, emotional, and mental hard work. If you thought you were emotionally healed or mature, marriage will test that belief. I used to believe in the advice of not going to bed angry, until the day I found myself keeping malice with my husband for an entire week over (brace yourself)… the gas burner. But let’s not get into that.
Back to intentionality: If you’re not mindful, marriage can slip into autopilot. ‘See finish’ happens. You begin to take your partner for granted. Resentment creeps in. You overlook things until one day you realize you’ve become strangers living in the same house.
I saw a tweet today by a lawyer in Lagos, @ChisomAgbafor:
“As a lawyer in Lagos, I have been involved in enough divorce cases to say this without blinking: There are a lot of couples who are in sexless, affectionless, emotionally bankrupt marriages.”
I don’t believe anyone gets married planning for divorce or a life of regret but it happens. The little foxes sneak in when we stop paying attention, when we keep swallowing our feelings instead of addressing them. Some couples have kids hoping things will get better. Then they throw themselves into work, church, or those same kids until they wake up to find the vineyard has been devoured. And if you’re at that point where the only option to stay sane is divorce, that’s a hard truth to sit with.
Don’t get me wrong, marriage is beautiful. God snapped with the concept of love and relationship. And there are many unions that stand as testaments to patience, grace, and intentional love. But as a Christian, I’ve learned this: If you want to have a godly, joyful marriage in this century, don’t expect the enemy to sit back. He won’t. One of the newest strategies? “Irreconcilable differences”; a slow, silent descent into emotional detachment. A journey from love to indifference.
But here’s the hope: the vineyard can be rebuilt, if both people are willing to catch the foxes early. Marriage is not magic. It’s daily choices, humility, forgiveness, and a whole lot of intentional effort. And if you’re in the thick of it, wondering if the love is still there; pause. Reflect. Talk. Fight for it. Because sometimes, it’s not too late.
And if you’re about to take the plunge? Crack the groundnut. Just know it takes a lot of work.